Nineteen

I think it's hard for me to write about this fast because sometimes it doesn't seem like much is changing.

Hopefully, there are incremental changes in me that are just difficult to track day by day. But some days I wonder.

I know I need to focus on the fast. Lent. Sacrifice.

But I find myself anticipating when it will be over. I am realizing how much food goes along with gathering together and friendships and celebration.

I want to go out to eat with a friend. Grab coffee and chat. Get ice cream with my kids. Even go over to  a friend's house and be able to snack and eat with them.

It's interesting that when I am eating rice and beans I am grateful. I even enjoy them - the taste, the simplicity.

It's when I'm not eating that I'm discontent. I want something more. Something different.

Contentment isn't truly contentment unless you experience it all the time, is it?

What is robbing me of contentment?

What is robbing you?

Twelve

There are some things in life I have chosen without a complete understanding of what I was getting into. For example:

Marriage - I am convinced that no one is totally aware of what "becoming one" with another person really means.

Pregnancy - did anyone else have the feeling you were on a roller coaster, riding up to the top of a huge hill and it was impossible to get off? I mean, you knew the ride down would be a rush (scary, fun, energizing, nauseating); but a part of you wanted to scream, "I'm not ready!" or "Let me off!" and you realized it was too late. Or maybe that was just me...

Parenting - enough said.

For me, fasting has become another choice that I made with good intentions but without full knowledge of what it would entail.

Am I glad I did it? Yes.

Is it harder than I thought? For sure.

But I feel the same way about the other three decisions listed above. They were harder than I thought they would be, but better than I thought as well. And I don't regret any of them.

I'm wondering if perhaps God offers special grace to a person who has the faith to try to do more than they understand.

Who says, "God, I love you; and I want to do this for you. I'm not sure how it is all going to play out, but I will do it for you. For your glory. For your honor. And for you to grow me and stretch me. I'm yours."

I took my pocket calendar out today and numbered the 40 days of my fast. It was a little disheartening to see that I am not even one-third of the way done. I am just finishing day twelve.

Really? Because it seems like longer than that to me.

I want to live in the now, but I also want to eat chocolate.

I want to remember people who eat rice and beans daily and who do not have enough, but I am tired of rice and beans.

I want to live sacrificially and generously, but I fight against desires that are greedy and self-centered.

So I'm trusting. (My word for this year.)

Trusting that God fully knew what I was committing to. And that it is in his power and by his grace alone that I can do any good thing.

Thanks be to God.

Weary

So I am ten days into this fast, and can I just admit that I am weary?

It's not just refraining from foods. It's life in general, I think.

Parenting three young children.

Practicing patience and self-control.

Teaching remedial students.

Doing laundry, paying bills, fixing meals.

Attempting to pursue God and his presence.

Caring for friends and family.

One sweet friend used the word "relentless" to describe parenting specifically, but I think it fits for most areas of life at one point or another. Life never seems to let up.

And I think that's okay. I mean, God knew our lives would be difficult at times. That's why he invites us to come to him in Matthew 11:28-30.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I love that he acknowledges our weariness and then offers the remedy: rest.

While I happen to believe that actual physical rest is a discipline that God often uses to restore and heal, I think he also uses his word and his presence to offer rest in the midst of the chaos of our life. 

So I am claiming his rest today. On his day, the Lord's Day. 

May it be yours as well.

Seven

With a week completed, I thought I'd share some reflections...

The actual foods I am eating daily are fewer than the ones on my original list. Let's just say that I am already getting a little tired of rice, beans, bread, bananas, peanuts, and milk. Chicken and tomatoes show up to break up the menu a few times a week, but I am missing my old friends Cold Cereal with Milk and Eggs with Potatoes, not to mention Chocolate and Peanut M&M's.

A friend visited Holland, Michigan, and brought back some homemade rolls for our family. I actually leaned down and smelled them when I opened the bag before dinner, sniffing in their yeasty goodness before removing some for the kids, closing the bag and putting it in the fridge where I hope they last until my next feast day.

Another friend shared some good thoughts from a saint who lived in the 1500s. He said that we should not look ahead and think of what we will be able to eat or daydream about the pleasures of foods while fasting. We should try to remain fully present in our fast and embrace the sacrifice. 

This is hard to do. As I prepare meals for the kids throughout the week, I find myself coveting their food. I took my kids through McDonald's today to get hot fudge sundaes as a treat and was genuinely disappointed that I could not join them.

What is wrong with me? People around the world not only lack choices but they lack actual food. And I am complaining about candy and ice cream. I am ridiculous.

I read tonight about hungering and thirsting after righteousness and contemplated what it means to "hunger." I know many of us say we know what hunger means, but I don't think I really do. I may know what it's like to not be completely full or to be a little uncomfortable waiting for a meal. But hungry? Probably not.

I think to hunger means to long for, to need, to desire. It implies that there is an empty space that needs to be filled. Physically, this would be a person's stomach needing food. Spiritually, this implies an emptiness in our soul or a need that only God can fill. 

Philippians 3:8-9 talks about two different types of righteousness:
"What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith."

Is the righteousness I seek one "of my own that comes from the law": A list of things to do and not to do that makes me feel secure in my salvation and right-ness before God?

Or do I long for "the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith"? 

I am still processing what exactly this means, but it's what I want.

To long for God and being pure and holy and right through faith in him.

May it be so.

Three

It has been three days since I started my fast, and I have to admit that it hasn't been too bad. For one thing, I think the "Seven" fast helped prepare me for this both physically and spiritually. I have wondered how much harder this would seem without that experience. I also have a friend who is fasting from all food for 40 days, so when I consider complaining, I am reminded of those who either through personal choice or through circumstances (poverty, famine) are going through much more than I am.

I committed to fast for 40 days, eating only foods that are available in Ghana, Africa. I consulted a couple of websites and came up with the following list of staples that will sustain me for the next 6 weeks, not counting Sundays which will be a day of celebration and "feasting":

• rice
• beans
• sweet potatoes
• bananas
• tomatoes
• chicken
• peanuts
• milk
• wheat bread
• oats
• spinach
• corn
• onions
• peas
• mushrooms
• sugar (sparingly)

So far, my meals have been pretty similar. Breakfast has been either oatmeal or dry bread/toast, milk, and a banana. Lunch was rice and either beans or sweet potatoes with more milk and a banana. Dinner consisted of rice and beans and sweet potatoes until tonight when I bought a rotisserie chicken. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have chicken with rice and home-canned tomatoes. I thought I might just be able to eat that for dinner for the rest of my life. (My reaction may have been a little over the top due to my inability to eat chocolate or cookies on Valentine's Day.)

Wednesday I was so hungry after school that I stopped at Wal-Mart on my way to pick up the kids from school and bought a bag of peanuts in their shells. I figured that having to shell them would keep me from consuming handfuls of them at a time. I got back to my car and immediately proceeded to crack them and eat them, throwing the shells out the window and allowing the hulls and pieces of shell to fall in my lap. It was a mess (and is slightly embarrassing to type).

I have been using my lunch break to read over the daily devotional in the book and have also tried to find times to do prayer walks or serve others each day. But it is still a struggle to pray as much as I would like to. I am reading a book about practicing the presence of God and have been challenged to think of God as much as possible throughout my day. I regret how little he is the focus of my thoughts or even a part of them. I long to have a continual dialogue with him throughout the day, asking his opinion on even small decisions, listening for his Spirit to whisper words of encouragement or discernment regarding a student or colleague. I am trusting that this desire and this fast will be a catalyst for finding ways to do this on a more consistent basis.

Do any of you have wisdom or advice on how you have implemented this practice in your life?

Lent

For the past several years, I have given up "something" for Lent: chocolate, Facebook, and various other items. I have never included food in my fast because (as I mentioned before when I wrote about my journey through "Seven"), I struggled with an eating disorder for several years, and I have always steered clear of anything that might trigger those tendencies.

However, the food week of "Seven" turned out to be quite meaningful for me. Although it was difficult, I think it was good for me to limit my choices and convenience pertaining to food for a week. So I chose to do a food fast during Lent this year.

I will explain more about it as I go, but it was inspired by the book, A Place at the Table: 40 Days of Solidarity with the Poor by Chris Seay. I will be eating foods from the country of Ghana, the home of the three Compassion children our family sponsors.

Today was the first day, and it was a challenge. But I am excited and am anticipating how God will use this to change and refine me. Stay tuned for  more details on that process.

2012

Merry Christmas!

Being

My propensity for doing originated at birth, I think. I come from a long line of do-ers: teachers, professors, accountants, factory workers, gardeners, bakers, crafters, writers, musicians. It's in my blood.

And although working hard and accomplishing and doing have great benefits, it is sometimes a curse. Especially when it comes to one's spiritual life.

I have discovered I am most comfortable when checking off a list in my Christian life:
 - Have a quiet time.
 - Tithe.
 - Give of my time and resources.
 - Be patient.

I can practically hear myself checking off each item as they are accomplished.

But then I recall Jesus' words to Martha when she complains that her sister Mary isn't doing enough, "Martha, Martha, you are worried about any things, but only one things is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."

This story has always irked me a bit. I mean, God is the one who gave me Martha that personality, right? He knows she is a do-er. Can't that be her way to serve him? Doesn't that count for something?

A wise friend recently suggested I treat the season of advent like lent, committing to do or give up things to focus more on Christ and his coming. I loved the idea and started brainstorming things I could do (of course) to make the season more meaningful.

Then God revealed to me my backwards thinking. I didn't need to do more. I needed to be. And while that sounds simple, it is also profound.

I grabbed my "To Do" list, modified it a bit, and asked the kids what they wanted to be these next few weeks. They shared ideas, and we came up with a list of being items and a few ideas of what we might do in order to encourage these qualities and attributes these next few weeks.

May I just say that I love this list! 

While I have still made specific commitments, my heart is centered on who I am, not what I am (or am not) doing. 

Doing to being. Martha to Mary. Sounds like the kind of transformation Christ came to bring about.

Want to join me? Just grab your list and a Sharpie and let's get started...

Reflection

Week seven of "Seven" is officially over.

For some reason, out of all the weeks, the week of prayer and Sabbath seemed to be one of the most difficult for me.

Maybe it's because with seven commitments to pray throughout the day, including midnight and 6 am, failure seems probable.

Maybe it's because deciding to pause and breathe intentionally takes effort.

Maybe it's because adjusting one's schedule to pray is often inconvenient ("...so is being poor." Thanks, Ryan.)

Or maybe it's because regularly inviting God into one's day and week has the potential to be so life-changing that the enemy will use anything and everything to prevent it from happening.

At the beginning of the week, I was confident (with pride, not humility, unfortunately) that I would easily do all of the prayer times. I mean, how hard could it be to pause for a few minutes to pray seven times throughout the day, right?

Piece of cake.

So I set my phone with seven alarms:

Midnight: Night Prayer
6 a.m.: Morning Prayer
9 a.m.: Midmorning Prayer
Noon: Midday Prayer
3 p.m.: Midafternoon Prayer
6 p.m.: Evening Prayer
9 p.m.: Bedtime Prayer

And I woke up at midnight.

Half-asleep, I reached for my Bible and read Psalm 42, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with God?"

I wish I could say that this first prayer time was incredibly meaningful and that I had some sort of spiritual breakthrough.

Unfortunately, I don't remember much about it except struggling to stay awake through the passage and being relieved to turn off the light so I could roll over and go back to sleep. (I know. Shallow and very un-spiritual.)

A mere six hours later, my second alarm rang.

Six a.m.

Psalm 19, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."

Amazing words.

Even now as I type them, my spirit swells considering the glory of God and his creation. I think most of that wonder was lost that morning as I stumbled through the passage.

"What is wrong with me?" I thought. This is suppose to be easy. And meaningful.

Both.

At the same time.

A friend graciously offered to let me borrow "The Liturgy of the Hours" for "Ordinary Time" (as opposed to "un-ordinary time" Confession: that thought seriously crossed my mind. Sad, but true.)

This book had prayers and scripture for each hour written and ready to go. Score! So each hour, I opened the book to the appointed prayer and read.

I had no idea what I was doing, but I did it anyways.

Noon: read and pray (and eat).

3 p.m.: read and pray.

6 p.m.: read and pray.

I developed a sort of a rhythm...a bit awkward and unrefined, but consistent. Until one night when I didn't get up for midnight prayer.

The alarm went off and I...turned it off and fell back asleep. Nice.

Then the 6 a.m. alarm went off. I did the same thing! Huge fail. It's embarrassing to type.

I got back on track with daytime prayer but realized that it was too late. I had ruined my track record. My perfect score.

Then God revealed my self-sufficiency.

And my self-satisfaction.

And self-confidence and self-admiration.

(Are you sensing a pattern?)

Since when did prayer - or any spiritual discipline for that matter - become about me? If it's not about God, then what's the point of doing it?

I decided to let go...

of keeping score.

of comparisons.

of tracking and goals of perfection.

And I embraced grace.

Sweet, generous, overwhelming grace.

And I kept praying...not to prove or win or do.

But to be.

And that is enough.

Tradition

I wrote this poem 10 years ago. 

I am so thankful God has been working to transform me 

and to free me from the expectations of society 

and the curse of commercialism. 

Christmas has become a time when our family 

tries to find ways to give gifts to Jesus Christ...

since it is His birthday, after all. 

"...whatever you did for one of the least of these 

brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:40

“The Month Before Christmas”

by Jaena Womack

‘Twas the month before Christmas and all through the town,

Every person was busy – no joy to be found.

With their calendars full and great plans made with care,

They knew that the holidays soon would be there.

I’m all ready to go, with my red Santa’s cap

Though I’d rather hole up for a long winter’s nap!

The family is coming for turkey and pie;

There is work to be done; there are groceries to buy:

Cranberries, plum pudding, mincemeat and hams,

Flour, sugar, eggnog, marshmallows, and yams,

Cashews and pretzels and chocolate for dipping,

And full-caffeine hazelnut coffee for sipping,

I can’t forget ice cream -- six quarts, Neopolitan --

Good grief! I may need a sleigh just to haul it in!

Yes, it’s happened again: preparations gone wild,

And I’m half-Martha Stewart half-Julia Child.

Yet there’s still more to do! Let me show you my list –

I have shopping and wrapping and my kids insist

That we spend one whole day finding just the right tree,

Then we finally select one at least nine foot three

Which we drag to our house through the ice and the sleet…

(Never mind that our ceiling is only eight feet.)

Now it’s off to the mall for a fourteen-hour sale

With holiday coupons received in the mail.

With such bargains around…well, it isn’t too hard

To max out my VISA and Discover card.

So I head for our home with my presents in tow

And if this year is much like the past years, I know

As I pull in the driveway and walk through the door,

I’ll be greeted by sounds of my husband’s loud snore.

My children have fallen asleep on their beds

With clothes still on bodies and hats still on heads.

I grab the remote and turn off the TV,

Collapse on the couch, almost too tired to see…

I’ve run myself ragged with plans so sublime

Now I ask, “What’s the point? Is it all worth my time?”

In the silence I treasure a brief interlude;

My thoughts become clear, and I humbly conclude

That it’s not in the presents wrapped under the tree,

It’s not in the friends or the family you see,

Of course it’s not Rudolph or old Santa Claus,

Or donating money to some worthy cause.

No, it all traces back to the night long ago…

To the mother and child and the story we know

But we often forget as we bustle around,

The true meaning of Christmas can only be found

In the birth of a baby – the long-promised king

Who caused shepherds to wonder and angels to sing.

That’s why we celebrate, though some don’t know,

Christmas is Jesus’ birthday, and so…

What I whisper aloud as I turn out the light

Is not, “Merry Christmas, to all a good night.”

Rather “Glory to God in the highest” and then

“Peace on the earth and good will to all men.”

Sabbath

The last chapter of Seven has started a little early in the Womack household.

(I always was an overachiever.)

The title of chapter seven is "stress," which means we will try to reduce our stress by adding resting and prayer to our lives. The author's family started being intentional about taking a Sabbath, beginning with a family meal Saturday evening and continuing through Sunday. She also committed to pausing to pray seven times throughout the day.

While the idea of honoring the Sabbath intrigued me, what inspired me to actually implement the practice was spending an evening with some dear, new friends who live in intentional community in downtown Marion. Residents of the Incarnation House invited me to join them for a Sabbath meal several weeks ago. (Shout out to Amanda, Annie, Emily, Jared and Ryan!)

I was told that they "kind of dress up" (what does that even mean?) and have dinner together, followed by some type of activity (an opportunity to interact and build community).

So, I got "kind of dressed up" and went.

It was a perfect introduction to Sabbath.

Reading the liturgy.

Lighting the candle.

Passing the cup.

Breaking the bread.

Sharing a blessing. 

We ended the evening carving pumpkins together, talking and laughing.

It was a beautiful evening.

I invited them all to celebrate Lord's Day Dinner at my house the next weekend. They accepted.

We read.

We drank.

We ate.

We shared.

Another beautiful evening.

The next step was to involve the kids with Lord's Day. Providentially, a friend's family was also starting this tradition, so we combined our families for the evening, hoping the togetherness would add an extra measure of fun, convincing our kiddos that this was a positive change.

Let's just say that celebrating Lord's Day with six adults is slightly different than celebrating with six children under the age of ten.

We read.

We laughed.

We planned who drank so there would be no arguing about who had to drink after the others.

We tried not to laugh as the kids cringed at drinking after others (even though we wiped the cup.)

We broke bread.

We laughed about the gigantic pieces of bread the kids took.

We shared blessings: dogs, family, friends.

We ate.

We laughed some more.

It was loud and a little crazy.

It was beautiful.

Last Saturday was our family's first Lord's Day dinner on our own.

The kids asked if we could have someone (anyone!) over for Lord's Day, but it didn't work out.

So we sat.

Four around the table.

We set the table with our Lord's Day dishes (my great-grandmother's vintage Fiestaware).

We read the liturgy (four year-old Josiah echoed the words).

"The Lord himself is with us,"

"The Lord Himself is with us"

"to refresh us"

"to refresh us"

"and to strengthen us."

"and to strengthen us."

We drank juice (the children out of tiny plastic medicine cups which ended the "who goes last" discussion).

We broke bread (a slice of whole wheat sandwich bread because I forgot to get a loaf).

We shared blessings (dogs, family, friends).

We laughed and ate.

And it was beautiful.

Spending

I got a little ahead of myself and thought last week was week six, meaning I only had one week to go in "Seven."

I was wrong.

It turns out that last week was only week five (it just feels like week six), so I have two more weeks to give things up: spending this week, followed by stress the week after.

So, spending...

My plan is to spend money at no more than twelve places for a week. I know that sounds like a lot, but as you will see below, I am including in that list every place our family spends money to live - even if the bill will not actually be paid this week. Here's what I have so far:

1. VIA Credit Union (mortgage)
2. Vectren (gas)
3. AEP (electric)
4. AT&T (internet and phone)
5. Verizon (cell phone)
6. Western Reserve (insurance)
7. Wabash Valley (trash)
8. BP (fuel)
9. Meijer (food/everything else)
10. Reserved - to pay a soil specialist that is coming Monday to check our backyard for the $8,000 to $11,000 septic system I have to have put in! I may be sticking to this week's spending plan forever.
11. Midwest Coffee Company - this was a "free"spot/TBD until today when I bought coffee for a gift. I decided since I was already spending money there I might as well buy a cookie for myself. At least the food week is over.
12. This was a free/TBD spot until now when I realized I have to pay my babysitters for the week - 3 different people. Rats. Okay, I am going to try to live within the spirit of the law here and not the letter of the law. All three sitters will be covered in this last space. That's okay, right?

I thought I had this all figured out. 

I already had a friend* suggest that using my Starbucks gift card might need to count as a place on my list since it is "spending" and "consuming."

*Formerly known as my "wise friend" but I'm rethinking that description after the Starbucks advice. 

Just kidding. 

Kind of.

Until today, I would have considered my spending habits fairly restrained. But, I have discovered it is kind of like the food week: I take little bites of things here and there and barely notice I am doing so.

For instance, I made dinner for the kids but didn't eat myself so when I ran to Meijer at 6:30 to grab some medicine for Elisha, I hadn't eaten yet. Normally, I might have allowed myself to grab a taco or something. Instead, tonight I grabbed a rotisserie chicken at Meijer and came home and made myself oven fries. Not quite as convenient but definitely a healthier option and more cost effective since I now have 2-3 cups of de-boned chicken in the fridge for dinner Saturday night.

The kids want to shop at the school book fair tomorrow and don't have quite enough of their own money to do so. Normally, I might give them a few dollars each so they can purchase a book. I sometimes even go ahead and buy books ahead to save for future gifts. As it is, I am hoping their grandparents will buy them a book since they will be visiting the school or Grandparent's Day. (Do you think it's too forward of me to email them this link tonight?)

Bottom line: this is good. Focusing on spending is making me consider each and every purchase I make. Spending, like eating and media, is becoming intentional; and that intentionality is what I hope to carry on long-term to help transform our family.

Reflection

We are on week six of Seven, which means our focus is "Waste." In her book, Jen Hatmaker commits to seven habits for a greener life:

1. Gardening
2. Composting
3. Conserving water and energy
4. Recycling
5. Driving only one car
6. Shopping thrift and second-hand
7. Buying only local  

Although we already incorporate several of these practices into our daily lives, we still have a long way to go before I would consider ourselves "green."

Since my journey through the book has been the slacker version, "Twelve," I thought about coming up with twelve ways to be more earth-friendly. If I counted each type of material we recycled, I might be able to come up with enough:

1. Recycling cardboard
2. Recycling paper
3. Recycling glass
4. Recycling aluminum
5. Recycling steel
6. Recycling plastics #2
7. Recycling plastics not #2
8. Conserving water
9. Conserving electricity
10. Conserving fuel
11. Being intentional about extra/leftover food
12. Reusing things

Okay, I'll admit it. I made that last one up just to get to twelve. 

I don't know what else to do.

I can only drive one car.

I garden during the summer, but it's now fall.

I don't know how to compost. But I guess I could look that up and get started. Maybe.

To be honest, the past five weeks have been a little rough, so I'm happy for an "easy week."

That's not to say I think taking care of God's creation is unimportant. I'm becoming more and more convinced that it is a responsibility I have neglected.

Recycling might seem "unspiritual" to some, but taking care of God's creation and thinking not only of ourselves but what's best for others sounds like sacred work to me.

I was reflecting the other day on how strongly I feel about littering. I would never just throw paper down on the floor or sidewalk, expecting someone else to clean it up. It's my trash. My responsibility.

I questioned how different that is from throwing my trash into a landfill, expecting future generations to deal with it. It's my trash, and it should be my responsibility.

So that's how I am approaching this week. I am trying to focus on each piece of paper and plastic that can be recycled, each leftover bit of bread that could go to the birds instead of into the trash, each light left on that could be turned off.

I think every action counts both for today and tomorrow.

Withdrawal

It's my understanding that after giving up an addictive substance one goes through a time of withdrawal that is "typically accompanied by distressing physiological and mental effects." (Thank you, hard copy of the Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition which has not been off my bookshelf in years.)

As I anticipated Seven Week 4: Media, I predicted the biggest factor for me would be not checking Facebook each day. Okay, multiple times a day.

It turns out that I am spending significantly more time with my computer than I thought. It's ridiculous.

Typical Day:
Wake up and check Facebook.
Get ready then check personal email and possibly school email and Facebook.
Go to work and take lunch break, check email and Facebook.
Finish work day then check email and Facebook for messages before leaving to get kids.
Get home and check Facebook and my blog.
Throughout the night Google topics as needed
Post on Facebook cute things the kids do or say.
Read on Facebook the cute things my friends' kids do or say.
Check out blogs of favorite authors, etc...
Put kids to bed then hang out online looking at friends' pins on Pinterest.
Sometimes watch a show on Hulu.
Read friends' blogs, etc...
Check Facebook one last time before bed.

What is the deal with me and Facebook?

Why am I obsessed with social media?

Why do I continually post things about my children or life?

Why do I care if people "like" my posts and comments?

My commitment for Week 4 was to fast from Facebook for seven days and to limit my use of the internet to email, blogging, and job-related sites.

My media fast started Thursday morning, and I blew it in the first 5 minutes of the day. I received an email from a friend that she had read my blog and had linked my blog to her most recent post. So, of course, I had to click over and read what she wrote, right?

I thought back to my food fast and how a wise friend had referred to the profundity of Ignatius of Loyola who encouraged very specific and clearly defined commitments concerning a fast. I knew I needed to be equally as vigilant regarding my media fast.

So, I started turning my computer monitor off. I checked email fewer times throughout the day and sent emails as needed; but I found I had a lot of extra time on my hands to finish going through closets and cabinets, to clean and organize the house, and to spend with the kids (Read: take a nap with Josiah on the couch).

Now that watching a movie as a family is not an option, I hope to replace that time with activities our family can do together: games, books, projects, cooking. I want my kids to choose playing Racko to watching Ratatouille.

The harder part for us has been the radio. Since it *is* a form of media, it was included in my media fast.

And I miss it.

Desperately.

Perhaps most of all on our hour-long trip to visit friends in Noblesville Friday night.

I planned ahead. I took card games and electronic Twenty Questions.

Elisha started playing the electronic game, but that didn't include everyone so we transitioned to old-fashioned Twenty Questions. Me and three children: 4, 6 and 9.

I guessed Elisha's object in under 3 minutes. It went something like this:

Elisha: It's a thing.

Me: Is it alive?

Elisha: Yes.

Me: Is it an animal?

Elisha: Yes.

Me: Does it have 4 legs?

Elisha: Yes.

Me: Does it have fur?

Elisha: Yes.

Me: Is it a type of pet?

Elisha: Yes.

Me: Is it a dog?

Elisha: Yes. What kind of a dog?

Me: Is it a Yorkshire Terrier? (the breed of his dog)

Elisha: Yes.

And then there was Madelyn's "animal" which we couldn't guess and it turned out to be an alien. (Or was that Josiah's?)

This quickly degenerated into children not taking turns and arguing and loud voices which inspired me to impose a "No Talking Time" while I called my friend who is also participating in Seven and asked her when it becomes more necessary to turn on the radio and keep mom sane than to complete the seven media fast. She kindly suggested we all play the Alphabet Game.

We all started looking for letters which lasted approximately 5 minutes at which point the younger two gave up. Fortunately, they started playing Go Fish while Elisha and I spent the next 30 minutes finding G through Z.

We arrived at our friends' house and enjoyed dinner together. I decided to allow a brief recess from their fast since we were guests, and the kids ended up having a dance party, playing a Cars video game and watching Madagascar 3. I rationalized that, ultimately, this is my journey and they should not have to be subject to the same level of dedication that I am.

So it seems like we have been on Week 4 for around two weeks, but it has only been 4 days. I am looking forward to the end of this fast but am contemplating what balance looks like for me and my family in the area of media.

Any words of wisdom and discernment from the blogosphere would be welcome. What's working for you and your family? Anyone?

Space

Seven week three has continued into week four.

Once I started purging, I just couldn't stop: bookshelves, closets, cabinets...games, sheets, blankets, magazines, books, dishes, college notebooks, bags, hats, puzzles.

I have an entire corner of my living room piled with boxes and bags of donations.

God has connected some of my stuff with people who can use it, but there is so much more that still needs to find a home. I'm excited to keep searching for people who need these items.

But, look what I found during this process...

That's right.

Space.

Empty space.

Shelves that were crammed with books have extra room.

Closets that had boxes stacked under the hanging clothes have nothing on the floor.

I have written before about margin, and that is what is now reflected in our home: blank space around the edges. Room to breathe.

I love the way it looks.

But I love the way it feels even more.

Stuff

Does anyone else get overwhelmed walking through stores, looking at shelves and shelves of "stuff"?

Maybe it's just me, but I often find myself wondering how stores can possibly sell all of the items they stock.

And where do customers put it all?

And where do we put the things we have to make room for more stuff?

I'm starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it.

(Deep breathing.)

So this week's focus was on possessions. Stuff.

My commitment was to get rid of 12 things a day for a total of 84 things.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I regularly sort the kids clothes and hand them down to friends. I already sorted my clothes and gave them away. I thought I might have a little trouble coming up with 84 things, but I had a backup plan: books.

This is where I confess that I love to read. And my family loves to read. My brother was an English and Writing major, remember. He actually worked at a bookstore for several years and use to surprise me with packages of books delivered to my door. (Thanks, Joel!)

In fact, it has become a Christmas tradition for him to buy the kids classic books: Flat Stanley, If You Give a Moose a Muffin, Don't Let the Pigeon Stay up Late.

So, if all else failed, I would sort through our shelves of books and make up the difference.

Then, I started looking through my cabinets: dishes, vases, crystal serving plates, bowls, more dishes, things I rarely or never use.

And I felt God urging me to let go of my stuff. Good stuff. Beautiful stuff. Useful stuff, even.

But stuff that I do not need and that someone else could use.

I have no idea how much I have given away this week. I know it is way beyond 84 items, but I don't plan to count because it's not about a number.

It is about the freedom in my heart and in my soul. A freedom from possessions and a freedom to share and give generously in God's name.

It's not comfortable.

It has been painful.

But God keeps reminding me of a conversation with a wise friend that adjusts my perspective and reminds me of why I am doing this.

Me (realizing that I am wearing my only pair of jeans to build a fire Saturday night and that I planned to wear them to church the next morning): "Oh, I'm going to have to wash these. This is all kind of inconvenient..."

Wise friend: "So is being poor."

Reflection

My food fast ended Sunday evening; and although the timing was when I had planned, the meal wasn't. I knew we would be ending our Sunday School class activity with pizza, but I guess I envisioned sitting down and eating at a leisurely pace while enjoying deep conversation (or something.)

Instead, I was helping determine the winners of the race and ended up grabbing a piece of lukewarm pizza and some carrots while helping clean up the mess.

I was grateful for the chance to eat other foods again but felt like the breaking of my fast needed to be a bit more meaningful and intentional. Now that I know more about what to expect, I think I can plan my next fast more effectively. We'll see.

Even though the fast is over, I have found myself thinking more about the foods I choose to eat. Do I really need a snack-size Snickers candy? Am I hungry enough to have a another muffin or does it just sound good? Do I want a Starbucks mocha loaded with sugar? Usually, the answer to these questions is no, and I refrain (although I will admit to having two muffins.)

I hope to continually evaluate my choices with food, if for no other reason than to ensure that I am eating healthy and balanced meals and snacks and honoring God in this area.

Oh! And a final note: I realized today that I have not had a bowl of cereal in over 2 weeks. That may be the longest I have ever gone since I was physically able to chew. I LOVE cereal. It's quick. It's easy. It's inexpensive. It tastes great. And...it have 12 essential vitamins and minerals!

But, it's not "real" food - basic, grown from the earth, less than 5 ingredients, blah, blah, blah. So, I'm trying to live without it. So far, so good.

And now for this week's challenge: Possessions.

I have to admit that I thought this one would be easy.

I go through clothes and cabinets a couple of times a year to organize and sort and give away.

I pass down all of the kids' clothes to friends who can use them.

I raid our pantry for food items to set out for fill-a-bag-for-hunger when the postman picks it up.

In fact, I just went through my closet and gave away a ton of clothes.

I actually wondered if I would be able to find enough things to give away, but I made my commitment:

I will give away 12 things a day for a week.

That's 84 items.

I thought if I got desperate, I could give away some of the kids' books.

Then I started going through cabinets and closets tonight.

I think I need an intervention.

Seriously, where did all of this stuff come from? And why am I keeping it?

I'm creating a pile of items to share and am certain I will have no trouble meeting my goal of 84 items.

Now I need to know the best way to find someone who needs it. Facebook? This blog? A list posted at school?

Again, I'm open to ideas. 

Choice

We Americans seem to view choice as a good thing.

Give us options, variety, a vote. Choice is a right.

While it has been challenging to limit my food choices these past 9 days, it has also been strangely freeing. No longer do I have to decide what to have for a meal. The kids' leftover sandwich scraps stay on their plate. Snacks and extra treats are bypassed. In my crazy life, it has been one less thing to think about.

But then I realized: this is still a choice. My choice. One that millions of people do not have. 

I stood serving food to sweet families at St. Martin's last Saturday and was overwhelmed with compassion for those in our own city who have no choice.

I know some would argue jobs and politics and welfare; but the fact is that whatever has created and perpetuated their situation, there were people who needed a meal. St. Martin's leaders and volunteers met that need. 

Then there are those in other countries: brothers and sisters in Christ, our neighbors, by Jesus' definition. I keep thinking to myself, "If I were a parent without food, unable to feed my children, how generous would I want a fellow Christian to be?" Would I struggle knowing the huge discrepancy between my life and theirs?

Knowing this, what is my responsibility? Most of the time we are told that as long as we do "something," we are doing our part.

I'm not sure I believe that anymore. (Maybe I never did.)

Maybe "something" is not enough.

Maybe I am called to do more.

I'm still struggling to discern what that means long term; but for this week, it means I will add clothing to my fast. I have narrowed down my wardrobe to 12 items ("outerwear") that I will wear for the next week: work, church, sleeping, mowing, mom's birthday lunch, volunteering at St. Martin's, Sunday School event. All of my activities in the same 12 articles of clothing:

• one pair jeans
• one pair black dress pants
• one pair tan cords
• one red v-necked sweater
• one black long-sleeved t-shirt
• one rose v-necked long-sleeved t-shirt
• one gray long-sleeved shirt
• one teal Frances Slocum t-shirt
• one old soft burnt orange t-shirt
• one gray hooded sweatshirt with "San Diego" on the front
• one black zip up jacket
• shoes: black dress shoes and tennis shoes

And here's what I'm leaving behind:

• jewelry
• belts (had to use a safety pin this morning
• scarves, hats, other accessories 

I just realized while typing what I won't wear that I have to wear a hat to St. Martins while I work in the kitchen or else I have to wear a hair net. After one week in a hair net, I quickly decided to wear a hat from that point on. So I have a choice: exchange an item already on my list for a hat or keep my 12 selections and wear a hair net. 

The fact that I even mentioned this reveals the vanity in my heart. Rats. We'll see what happens. Stay tuned...

Reflection

I'm seven days into "7" and I'm still alive.

I haven't messed up. (Unless you count Saturday night: I dreamed I was walking down the hallway at school and someone had left a Starbucks drink on the floor. For some reason, I assumed it was for me and started drinking it only to realize that in doing so I had broken my fast! It was a terrible feeling even as a dream. And it might have been worse if I had acknowledged my sin of theft as well.)

Overall, choosing to only eat from my list of foods has not been as hard as I had anticipated. I struggled with an eating disorder for several years in high school and college, so restricting food is not a new discipline for me.

In fact, it is due to those tendencies that I have never chosen to fast from food for an extended period of time. I kind of gave myself a pass and skipped on to other spiritual disciplines.

I'm discovering, though, that dieting and restricting food is altogether different from fasting. (Or at least it should be.) The distinction is motive.

When I diet, the focus is me: my weight, my body, my self-esteem.

When I fast, the focus is God: His sufficiency, His Word, His power.

In case you are wondering exactly how this has played out, here is what a typical day looks like. (I am assuming if you don't care, you can scroll down or click off my blog. No one is forcing you to be here, right?)

Breakfast is often toast and milk, maybe a banana. I found a whole wheat bread that I really like and plan to continue buying even after this 2 weeks. I have been drinking 2% milk instead of 1% so I don't lose too much weight (a couple of friends were worried about this), and could definitely adjust to that taste.

Almonds or string cheese provide a good grab and go snack. Or sometimes after school, I have an apple.

Lunch usually consists of cheese, a hard boiled egg or chicken, an apple, and sometime a banana, depending if I had one earlier.

Dinner can be eggs or chicken, more fruit and bread or sometimes a smoothie (frozen strawberries, frozen ripe bananas, plain yogurt, frozen orange juice concentrate, and milk.)

Part of me likes the predictability of knowing what I will and won't eat. It saves some energy and brainpower.

I thought the kids might wonder about what I am eating, but we must have been eating a lot of eggs and toast or chicken and sweet potatoes before because they haven't asked about anything. I do fix them other things. So don't worry that they are stuck eating just what I am.

My verdict after week 1: I think this is a good thing. I feel healthy. I am not wasting money on extra snacks or fast food (although I should admit that I was once tempted by Culver's flavor of the day), so that is better stewardship. And I have spent some of my meal times reading the Word and talking to God. Which is the point, right?

Well, that and realizing how much excess I live with and learning to make godly choices regarding that excess. More on that tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, we are  meeting tomorrow night to discuss week 2: clothes. Seven clothing items. Or twelve even. I'm not sure how that is going to play out with work...we'll see. Any suggestions?

Food

"Seven" week one has begun. I met with the girls last night and we hashed out details of our fasts: How many foods? Which foods? How many meals? How long will we fast? 

Due to some miscommunication, I started my fast yesterday morning and my friends are starting today. Last night, I already found myself thinking, "What am I doing? Who picks certain foods and decides to eat only them for an extended period of time?" Evidently, four moms in Marion, Indiana. 

Below are my 12 foods. I'm not sure why I chose 12. It seemed like a "biblical" number: 7, 12, 40, right? Seven didn't seem like enough and 40, well, that was too many; but 12 was (say it with me) juuuust right. So here they are:

• Chicken
• Eggs
• Cheese
• Plain yogurt
• Milk
• Whole-wheat bread
• Almonds
• Apples
• Bananas
• Strawberries
• Sweet potatoes
• Orange Juice

I'll fast every day, all day for 12 days, breaking my fast on Sunday evening, October 14 when my Sunday School class has an social/outreach activity. It seems like a fitting time to end since part of what I hope to gain from this time is more compassion for others, a deeper understanding of their needs and how God can use me to meet those needs. 

My heart is overwhelming with gratitude for the blessings my family enjoys: health, home, friends, family, food, heat, clothing, a job...God's physical provision. But also for the unseen gifts he so generously bestows: joy in the very midst of trial; peace in any and every circumstance; hope for the future, both earthly and eternal.

I'm learning that these blessings are not mine to hoard and enjoy. It is my responsibility, my privilege even, to share these. I want to know how to do that. What does that look like for our family? I'm trusting God to make some of these answers clear in the next several weeks as I journey through "Seven." (Or should I call it "Twelve"?)

I'd appreciate prayer. I want to be faithful to this fast. I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and she was eating a caramel-apple sucker. (I love those!) I was thinking how I'd love for her to offer me one, then suddenly realized I might have eaten it if she did. Yes, I forgot in under 12 hours that I was fasting. Brilliant.

In case any of you are planning to fast, Bill Bright has some great thoughts on fasting. And I'd recommend talking to friends who have fasted for advice and perspective. A wise friend called last night and shared some verses and insight that helped me finalize my plans and expectations for this time. 

I'm excited. I'm a little nervous. But I'm anticipating great things. 

"He must become greater; I must become less." -- John 3:33