Thursday, August 24, 2006

Margins



I had actually started another post, but the draft accidentally got erased when Elisha and his cousin Anna were playing computer games tonight. Maybe tomorrow...but for tonight, the topic is margins.

I just finished reading a play by play of my cousin Deb's day. Packed full. Every minute. Every day, in fact. I remember the feeling. Going from one thing to another with no time to spare, sometimes arriving late at an event because it was not humanly possible (without creating a rift in the space-time continuum) to get everywhere on time. I remember that "stressed out feeling" and the overly tired feeling at the end of a long day. I remember having a short fuse because I had so much to accomplish that if something didn't go exactly right, it would mess everything up.

It's not that I don't have full days now, my days are just full of different things...usually "at home" things that might not get done at all. Sometimes, in fact, my days can drag by and be full of nothing (or at least that is what it seems I have accomplished at the end of the day when I am trying to make a mental list.)

Anyways, all of this to say that I am learning that what my life needed - and still needs - are "margins." You know, like the margins in a book: space at the edges that keeps the words from running off the page. Can you imagine reading a book that had no margins with letters filling every last inch of the sheet? It would be difficult and would probably give you a headache.

In the same way we, too often, live our lives with no margins: filling every last second of our days and weeks. It's no wonder that time seems to go by so much faster as we get older; we fill it up. When I was a child, it seemed that I had more time to play, to think, to rest, to do nothing even. But as I grew, the task-oriented side of me became obessed with what I could DO and how much I could squeeze into the 24 hours of each day. It was fulfilling to know that I had accomplished something - many things. But at what expense? My husband, my children, myself?

It's not that I have perfectly incorporated margins into my life; I still have days where I try to do too much in too little time and I make myself (and my family) crazy. But I think I am learning some things...

  1. At times, the best thing I can do is say "No," as in "No, I cannot help with that project" or "No, I will not be able to attend that event." How freeing to learn that I don't have to say yes to everything (and it only took me 35 years!)
  2. My worth is not determined by what I do therefore I do not have to do everything. (refer to #1.)
  3. Having "free time" or unscheduled time does not mean I am lazy. I grew up with a strong work ethic and can tend to feel guilty for relaxing or not doing something all the time. I don't need to.
  4. Planning in extra time leaves room for the unexpected: spill or accident, forgotten items, traffic, etc...
  5. Living with margins also leaves room for relationships because I can take time to spend with people (family, friends, or even strangers) since my schedule is not maxed out.

I am sure there is more, but this is a start. I have to admit that some margins are built in more easily as a stay at home mom, but it still takes some discipline. And, looking back to the even more precarious balance of work and motherhood, I wish I had practiced margins a bit better before.

What about you? Any thoughts or ways that you create margins in your life?

8 comments:

Char said...

I gotta tell you, this continues to be a problem for my family and me. I don't remember the number of times when some well-meaning person asked me to help with something, and then said, "Well, can't you get a babysitter?" when I turned them down.
It seemed that when I was a child the choices were between good things and bad things. Now, I must discern which good things I'll do and turn the rest down. People are sometimes hurt when I turn down their "good" thing, but if I want margin, that's the way it goes.
Just this week at John's freshman orientation the principal told us to "get involved" and "preserve family boundries" in the same speech. Hum, wonder how we'll do that? ;-}

Jaena said...

I know, at times, it seems I have to discern among good, better and best...and best might be staying home with my family. That is hard for a "doer" like me.

jenny marvin mealy said...

I have been thinking about these same issues this week. I have been working on my schedule for fall and how I will be able to get everything in.

It is so hard for me to tell people no. Especially when I feel like I am saying no just so I have time to do nothing specific.

But I have seen in Jake the need for my life to have margins. His life at 10 years old is so full already and he needs me to have time for him and to teach him that there are times to just say no.

I have struggled to just get my devotions in more times than I care to really admit and that doesn't talke inot account any time to just be still and know.

I think it is partly just one of those things we learn from society that we are what we do so we try to do the right things to be who we want to be to people.
I think many times we just forget to stop and think about what we are taking on.

Deb said...

I just read this post - your comment about offending/misinterpreting makes more sense now! I hadn't read it until after I got home from work. Of course I am not offended, and I agree!

Kelley said...

Great thoughts Jaena! This would make a nice discussion topic...Sometimes I have trouble saying no and sometimes I have huge, wide margins and feel guilty for not doing more.

Keetha Broyles said...

I think "NO" is a very important word.

I've learned at least PART of my limits over the LONG LONG LONG years of my life - - - - - and one thing I DO KNOW is, if I am to function with any amount of quality at anything, I have to GUARD my down time, and GUARD it JEALOUSLY.

Kyle says I'm "lazy" on Saturday.

He's far too young to understand anything at all about guarding down time.

I'd even go this far - - - - - - I think it is WRONG to NOT save REST time. GOD, the Omnipotent, rested after 6 packed full days of Creation.

tricia said...

Great post Jaena.
My pastor talks about margins a lot with time and with money. It still seems to be somewhat elusive to me but something worth trying to figure out.
I've been thinking about what observing the sabbath would look like. I think it would tie into the margins idea too.

Missy said...

Good post. I can relate to so many of your thoughts. I remember when I returned to Marion four years ago having the realization that it seemes so many people were really busy doing nothing. It wasn't long before I fell right into the same trap. It wasn't that these things were wrong.... It often felt like I was busy doing good things or things that were expected of me.... but they often had nothing to do with the truly important things t me : people... For some reason that I am still trying to figure out, it was easier for me to have margins in SD? More later